Letting Go: How Expectations and Control Are Making Parenting Teenagers Harder Than It Needs to Be

Parenting Teenagers requires a great deal of kindness - to them but to yourself as well

Disclaimer:

The content of this blog is based on my opinions, shaped by over 40 years of life experience, three years of counselling practice, and my role as a parent of teenagers. I'm sharing what I’ve learned in the hope that you won’t have to bang your head against the wall quite as many times as I did.

Parenting through the teenage years is not for the faint of heart. The emotional rollercoaster, the resistance, the silence, the chaos—it can all feel impossible to understand, let alone manage. Through my journey as both a counsellor and a parent, I began to see a pattern in my own reactions. The drama wasn't always about my kids. Often, it was about me and the way I was trying (and failing) to cope.

When I finally stepped back and looked at what was going on, I realised something very important: much of my stress came down to two things—expectations and control. Two big words that shaped how I responded to my kids, my emotions, and my sense of failure as a parent.

Expectations: The Mental Minefield of Parenting Teenagers

Expectations, I’ve come to believe, are like natural disasters of the mind. We all have them. We expect our teens to be polite, to do their chores, to care about school, to engage in family life, to eat properly, to make smart choices. And when they don’t? We get angry, hurt, resentful, disappointed.

Here’s a real-world example: I recently sent my daughter into Coles with my credit card and a short shopping list: soy sauce, fake bacon, and hair dye. I sat in the car with no phone (she had it), no distractions, just my thoughts. I caught myself becoming tense. Why? Because I expected her to follow the list. But I knew she wouldn’t. She came back with chocolate, energy drinks, and some random sugary snack.

And in that moment, I asked myself: "What if I had no expectations at all? What if I just accepted what came? Would I be happier?" The answer was yes. I wouldn’t be disappointed; I wouldn’t be angry. I’d just roll with it. It wouldn’t be a personal failure, it would just be.

The same applies to our long list of parenting expectations, most of which are passed down through generations. We expect our kids to meet standards that were set for us, and we project them onto our children without questioning them. That projection? It creates stress, conflict, and disappointment—mostly for us.

Control: The Great Illusion

Control is a funny thing. When our kids are little, we have a bit of it. We can enforce routines, make them eat vegetables, get them into the car for school. But when they hit the teenage years? That illusion crumbles. You can scream “BRRAAAKE!” from the passenger seat while teaching them to drive, but you can’t hit the brake for them. They have to do it.

Same with school. I can’t drag two 16-year-olds out of bed, force food into their mouths, and drop them off to magically stay at school all day. Even if I could—should I? Would that even be parenting, or just micromanagement wrapped in guilt, fear, and powerlessness?

I had to let go of control. And guess what? When I did, they found their own motivation. They got bored. They decided to work. And now, they’re even talking about going back to school next year.

Control is not parenting. Influence is. And influence comes through connection, trust, and letting go of the need to fix everything.

Teenagers are not designed to be happy all the time. Parenting teenagers is also not designed to be easy

What Letting Go Has Taught Me

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up. It means giving space—to your teen, to yourself, and to the relationship. It means recognising that your emotions are valid, but they may be rooted in internal expectations and outdated coping mechanisms.

If you’re angry, exhausted, or stuck in power struggles, ask yourself:

• What am I expecting?

• What am I trying to control?

• Is there another way?

  
  

When we stop trying to control everything and let go of the expectations we didn’t even realise we were holding, our homes become safer, calmer, and more connected.

Parenting teens is hard. But it doesn’t have to be war. It can be a shared journey—messy, imperfect, and beautiful.

Helpful Resources for Parenting Teens in Australia:

1. Raising Children Network – Practical, evidence-based parenting tips for every stage.

2. Parentline – Confidential counselling and support for parents and carers.

3. Australian Teenage Parenting Support Services – Tailored information for parenting teens and young adults.

   
   

If you're struggling with parenting, expectations, or your own emotional reactions, I offer supportive counselling for women navigating parenting and life transitions.

👉 Book a counselling session today

You’re not alone. And you don’t have to figure it all out the hard way.

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