From Rescuer to Teacher: Letting go of a role you never chose

I was the Rescuer....... until it broke me

For years, I was the one who fixed everything. I was the helper, the mediator, the "strong one." People brought me their messes, and I made them feel better. That’s how I learned to be loved, by being useful, by being the one who held it all together.

Never turn your back on a Cocky: The rescuer role is one thing but dangerous pursuits another :)

But being the rescuer comes at a cost.

You lose yourself in other people’s problems. You stop asking what you want. I never really did ask. My needs were either pushed aside or invisible. Boundaries? What boundaries? Eventually, burnout becomes your baseline.

The worst part? You get praised for it. You’re seen as reliable, selfless, and strong. But inside, you’re shrinking. It can leave you angry, resentful, unseen, and unheard. Here’s the kicker: you helped set it up. We present as rescuers, capable, on a mission to save others, and we’re celebrated for it. But under the mask? Something else entirely.

In my life and work as a professional Counsellor, I’ve seen this pattern, which begins in childhood. We become safe by being needed. We link our worth to how much we give, and it sticks. For me, it was about making both my mum and dad happy, the mission was to create safety for me.

A tiring job for a young child, but one that I did based on an unstable home environment.

Maybe you calmed the chaos in your family, or were the emotional support for a parent or two, like I was, or were you “the strong one” who handled everything. These roles shape us. They follow us into adulthood. Until one day, you stop and ask: When do I get to matter?

This dynamic plays out in something called the Karpman Drama Triangle, three roles people unconsciously fall into:

• The Victim feels powerless and helpless.

• The Persecutor controls, criticises, or dominates.

• The Rescuer jumps in to save the Victim, often without being asked.

  
  

It might feel like helping, but the Rescuer role keeps everyone stuck. The Victim never learns to stand. The Rescuer gets drained. The cycle repeats. And if these roles were part of your childhood? You likely learned to survive by picking one.

Until you can’t.

One day, the exhaustion wins. The resentment leaks out. Or your body forces you to stop. That’s when the real work begins, figuring out who you are outside the role.

I remember the moment I realised I was stuck in the Rescuer role. I was blindsided. It was like a spotlight turned on, and suddenly I had to rearrange my entire story like a messy jigsaw puzzle. The emotions were very overwhelming and complex: anger, grief, shame, sadness, you name it.

But I was finally seeing things.

That work is hard. It feels selfish. It feels unfamiliar. But it’s also liberating.

If you’ve been carrying everyone else for years and you’re finally ready to look at what it’s cost you, I see you. You don’t have to rescue anyone here. Just come as you are.

Let’s figure out what you need, for a change.

💡 6 suggestions for women who identify as rescuers

1. Notice when you're fixing without being asked: My suggestion is to ask yourself: Did they ask for help, or did I jump in out of habit? Be mindful of micromanaging, partners, kids, and colleagues.

   
   

2. Pause before you say yes: Create space. Try, “Let me get back to you.” It’s not rude, it’s regulated.

   
   

3. Practice saying “No” without explanation: “No” is a full sentence. Justifying yourself is a leftover habit from people-pleasing.

   
   

4. Make a list of your needs: If this feels foreign, it’s a sign the Rescuer has been running the show too long.

   
   

5. Expect pushback: When you stop rescuing, others may resist. That discomfort isn’t your responsibility.

   
   

6. Get curious about your childhood role.⚠️ Do this with a therapist. Exploring childhood roles can bring up big emotions; as I mentioned, the range is huge, from shame, confusion, and grief. In therapy, you can safely ask: Who did I have to be to feel loved or safe?  Let's start there and let's do it together.

   
   

Unpacking the Rescuer identity isn’t about becoming cold or uncaring. It’s about finally including yourself in the care you so freely give to everyone else.

You matter, and your needs matter. You can stop performing for love and start receiving it freely.

And how good does that sound?