Gaslighting is a form of abusive behaviour. But what is Gaslighting really? What happens when reality gets rewritten

There’s something deeply unsettling about gaslighting.

It’s not loud. It’s not always obvious and that’s exactly why it’s so powerful.

Gaslighting is an example of abusive behaviours and a form of psychological manipulation where someone causes you to question your own reality. Your thoughts, your feelings, your memory… even your sanity.

Here’s the thing, it doesn’t always start big.

Most of the time, like all abusive behaviours, it starts small.

A comment here, or a denial there, a subtle shift in the story; until one day you’re sitting there thinking:

“Was it me?”

Exploring what is going on sometimes needs a lot of self-reflection.

What Gaslighting actually looks Like in the context of abusive behaviours

Gaslighting isn’t always dramatic. In fact, the most damaging kind is often the quiet, consistent drip.

It can sound like:

• “That never happened.”

• “You’re overreacting.”

• “You’re too sensitive.”

• “You always twist things.”

• “I never said that.”

  
  

Or even worse. They retell the story so convincingly that you start doubting your own memory.

If you’re someone who already tends to reflect, take responsibility, or see both sides (hello, fellow rescuers), you’re the perfect target because you will question yourself.

Why it works so well

Gaslighting works because it slowly erodes your internal compass. Abusive behaviours work because they distort your reality and, in a sense, knock you off your perch.

You stop trusting:

• Your thoughts

• Your feelings

• Your instincts

When that happens, you start relying on them to tell you what’s real. That’s the hook.

You’re no longer standing on solid ground; you’re standing on what I call a “wobbly floor.”

When the floor is wobbly, you grab onto whatever feels stable… even if it’s the very person causing it.

The confusing part: abuse such a gaslighting doesn’t always feel intentional

This is where it gets tricky.

Not everyone who gaslights are sitting there thinking, “I’m going to manipulate this person.”

For many people, it’s a defense mechanism.

They:

• Can’t tolerate being wrong

• Can’t handle accountability

• Feel overwhelmed by shame or confrontation

So instead of facing it…They rewrite it and here’s the kicker:

The feelings they express can be real. But the way they communicate them is distorted.

That distortion pulls you into confusion.

Gaslighting as covert abuse

We often think of abusive behaviours as obvious, raised voices, aggression, control.

But gaslighting sits in the covert category.

It’s quiet, subtle, and very psychological and because of that, it’s often missed… even by the person experiencing it.

You don’t walk away thinking, “That was abusive.”

You walk away thinking, "I think I messed that up.”

The impact: why it hits so deep

Gaslighting doesn’t just affect the moment. It changes how you relate to yourself. This is most common in abusive behaviours.

You might notice:

• Constant second-guessing

• Anxiety around getting things “wrong”

• Over-explaining yourself

• Feeling like you need permission to feel what you feel

Over time, you lose something really important: Trust in yourself.

So, what do you do when we such abusive behaviours in our relationships?

This is the part that matters because awareness is power, but only if you use it. I talk a lot about this when I am talking about abusive behaviours and toxic patterns.

1. Start noticing the pattern

One moment? Maybe miscommunication. Repeated pattern? Pay attention.

2. Come back to your reality

Ask yourself:

• What did I feel in that moment?

• What did I experience?

Not what they said happened, what you experienced.

3. Stop over-explaining

Gaslighting thrives on you trying to prove your reality.

You don’t need to convince someone who is committed to misunderstanding you.

4. Strengthen your internal ground

This is the work.

Rebuilding trust with yourself. Listening to your instincts again. Letting your feelings be valid, without needing approval. This is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.

Final thought (for now)

Gaslighting only works when you hand over your sense of reality. Any functional abuse works that way.

Let’s be honest, most people don’t hand it over willingly. It gets worn down, slowly and over time.

So, if you’re starting to see it now, that’s not weakness.

That’s awareness and awareness is where things start to change.

Want to know more?

Then please follow me on social media here

Listen to my new podcast called

'The Frog was never a Prince'

a podcast for women by women where we talk about toxic and abusive behaviours in relationships and how we can be empowered to see what is happening. Episode 2 is dedicated to Gaslighting