Coercive Control: When Love Becomes Control
Understanding the Trap
Samantha Seymour, Counsellor & Psychotherapist
What if the relationship you believe is built on love is gradually taking away your freedom?
One of the most difficult things about coercive control is recognising it while you're experiencing it.
We often think of domestic violence as something obvious. Physical assaults, bruises, screaming arguments, or threatening behaviour. However, abuse is also much quieter.
Sometimes it looks like:
someone constantly wanting to know where you are.
someone making decisions about your future without considering what you want.
someone offering to help you financially, but gradually taking control of your choices, and
sometimes it looks like being so afraid of upsetting your partner that you begin changing your behaviour to avoid their reactions.
The question we need to start asking is not simply, "Does this person love me?"
Perhaps a more important question is:
"Do I feel free, respected and safe in this relationship?"
What is coercive control?
Coercive control is a pattern of abusive behaviours used to dominate, intimidate, isolate or restrict another person's independence.
It isn't necessarily one dramatic incident.
It is often a collection of behaviours which, over time, create an imbalance of power within the relationship.
The person experiencing coercive control may gradually lose the freedom to make decisions, maintain relationships, manage their finances, or express their own opinions.
That is what makes it so dangerous.
The abuse can gradually become part of everyday life.
You may begin adjusting to the behaviour rather than recognising how unacceptable it is.
1. Control disguised as love and concern
One of the most confusing aspects of coercive control is that it can initially look like affection.
Your partner might want to spend all their time with you.
They might become upset when you go somewhere without them.
They may constantly message to find out where you are, who you're with, and what you're doing.
At first, you might interpret this as someone who cares deeply about you.
But there is an important difference between someone wanting to spend time with you and someone believing they have the right to control your time.
There is a difference between concern for your safety and demanding constant access to you.
Love allows independence. Control demands compliance.
2. When your decisions are no longer your own
Healthy relationships involve compromise.
Couples make decisions together, discuss their needs and sometimes disagree.
Coercive control is different.
One person may begin dictating where the other person lives, who they associate with, how they spend money, or what they do with their future.
They might use pressure, guilt, anger, or threats to obtain agreement.
For example, imagine being told that you must make a significant decision about your yourb life within 24 hours or face your partner's anger.
That isn't a respectful discussion.
It is pressure backed by intimidation.
The important question is:
"Am I genuinely free to say no?"
If saying no results in threats, punishment or fear, then the decision may not be freely made.
3. Financial control and creating dependence
Financial abuse is a common feature of coercive control.
Sometimes it involves restricting someone's money, preventing them from working or monitoring their spending.
But financial control can also develop through offers of assistance.
Imagine a partner offering to pay your bills.
That offer might be genuine and supportive.
But what happens if the arrangement comes with conditions?
What happens if the person providing financial assistance begins deciding who you see, where you live or whether you can leave?
What if losing the relationship also means losing your home or financial security?
This is where financial dependence can become a powerful means of control.
Financial support should never mean surrendering your autonomy.
4. Isolation from family, friends, and support
Isolation doesn't always begin with someone explicitly telling you that you're forbidden to see your family.
It may begin with complaints.
Your partner might dislike your friends.
They may suggest that your family doesn't understand your relationship.
They might create arguments before or after you spend time with others.
Eventually, seeing friends and family may become so emotionally exhausting that you stop trying.
The smaller your support network becomes, the more dependent you may feel on your partner.
This can be particularly dangerous because friends and family often provide alternative perspectives when something doesn't feel right.
Isolation makes it harder to recognise the trap, and harder to find support outside it.
5. Constant communication and monitoring
Technology has created additional opportunities for controlling behaviour.
A partner might demand immediate replies to messages, repeatedly call, check your location, read private conversations or insist on access to your passwords.
They may become angry when you don't answer quickly enough.
Over time, you might feel as though you are constantly being watched.
You may begin checking your phone anxiously because you know there will be consequences if you don't respond.
This is not simply a partner wanting to communicate.
When repeated contact is used to monitor, intimidate or control someone, it can become technology-facilitated abuse.
Everyone is entitled to privacy, independence and time away from their phone.
6. Threats, intimidation and ultimatums
Threats do not always involve an explicit statement that someone will physically hurt you.
Sometimes they sound like:
"You know what happens when I get angry."
"You'll regret this."
"If you leave me, I'll make your life miserable."
"You have until tomorrow to decide."
"Don't push me."
"I'll hurt myself if you leave."
Some threats involve property, money, pets, relationships, or someone's reputation.
Others involve threats of self-harm, which can place enormous emotional pressure on the person trying to establish a boundary.
Whatever form they take, threats designed to create fear or force compliance are serious.
You are not responsible for managing another adult's threatening behaviour.
When someone threatens harm to themselves or another person, professional crisis support may be needed.
7. Why coercive control can be difficult to recognise
Perhaps one of the most confusing things about coercive control is that the relationship may also contain affection. I talk about this as a percentages game. We stay because there is a percentage that feels good. I will talk about that later when I discuss the trauma bond dynamic. Where the person who is causing the pain is the one who takes it away.
There may be wonderful memories, genuine laughter, companionship and moments when your partner is loving and supportive.
Those moments can make it difficult to understand the harmful behaviour.
You may find yourself explaining it away:
"They're just insecure."
"They've had a difficult childhood."
"They're only like that when stressed."
"They don't mean the things they say."
"They really do love me."
Perhaps your partner does experience feelings of love. But love does not make controlling behaviour acceptable.
A person's feelings towards you do not erase the impact of their actions.
Understanding why someone behaves abusively is not the same as accepting that behaviour.
8. When you begin losing yourself
One of the most damaging effects of coercive control is what can happen to your sense of self.
You may begin questioning your judgement.
You might avoid making decisions without consulting your partner.
You may stop expressing opinions because disagreement feels too difficult.
You might notice that you're becoming anxious, withdrawn or increasingly dependent on reassurance.
Sometimes people describe feeling as though they no longer recognise themselves.
This is not evidence that they are weak. It can be a response to living in an environment where independence repeatedly results in conflict, intimidation or punishment.
Over time, your attention may shift away from what you want and towards preventing the next negative reaction.
Gradually, your own needs can disappear from the relationship.
9. Coercive control is a criminal offence
Coercive control is recognised as a form of domestic and family violence throughout Australia. It is currently a standalone criminal offence in New South Wales and Queensland, with other states progressing legislative reforms. Even where a standalone offence has not commenced, individual abusive behaviours may constitute criminal offences, and victims can seek legal protection. Finally, it is being recognised for the damage that it is and that is refreshing.
The legislation addresses repeated abusive behaviour intended to control or coerce someone in a domestic relationship, where the course of conduct would be reasonably likely to cause harm.
This includes patterns of non-physical abuse.
The offence carries a maximum penalty of 14 years imprisonment.
Not every unhealthy relationship or isolated controlling incident necessarily meets the legal elements of this offence.
However, you do not need to prove that a crime has occurred before seeking domestic violence support.
If you are frightened, being controlled or unsure about what you are experiencing, you can speak with a specialist service.
10. Why telling someone to 'just leave' isn't helpful
Leaving an abusive relationship can be complicated and sometimes dangerous.
A person may be financially dependent on their partner.
They may have nowhere safe to live.
They may fear retaliation.
They may feel isolated from their support network.
They may still love the person who is hurting them.
They may genuinely believe that things will improve.
For some people, the period when they attempt to leave or establish independence can be particularly dangerous.
This is why safety planning matters.
The goal is not to pressure someone into making an immediate decision. It is to help them understand their situation, recognise their options and access professional support safely.
You do not have to decide the future of your relationship before asking for help.
11. What can you do if you recognise these behaviours?
Perhaps you've read this article and recognised some of your own experiences.
You might be feeling frightened, confused, angry or uncertain. You may not even be sure whether what you're experiencing is abuse.
That uncertainty is a perfectly valid reason to seek professional advice.
A domestic violence specialist can help you:
Talk through what has been happening.
Understand patterns of controlling or abusive behaviour.
Consider your immediate safety.
Explore accommodation, financial and legal support.
Develop a safety plan that reflects your circumstances.
Understand your options without being pressured into an immediate decision.
If someone monitors your phone, messages, location or internet activity, seek support using a device or location they cannot access, if it is safe to do so.
Avoid confronting a controlling partner with information about coercive control or announcing plans to leave without first considering your safety.
If you have experienced physical assault, strangulation, sexual violence or threats of serious harm, tell a specialist service or police. These are particularly serious safety concerns.
Following strangulation, urgent medical assessment is important even if there are no visible injuries.
12. Where to get real help
If you are experiencing coercive control, emotional abuse, financial abuse, threats or other forms of domestic and family violence, support is available.
You do not have to experience physical violence to ask for help. You also do not have to decide to leave your relationship before speaking with someone.
Specialist domestic and family violence services can help you understand what is happening and explore your options.
Depending on your circumstances and location, they may help with:
Confidential conversations with trained domestic violence professionals.
Individual safety assessments and safety planning.
Referrals to local, face-to-face support services.
Emergency accommodation and refuge options.
Financial assistance and housing referrals.
Legal advice and information about protection orders.
Support when considering leaving an abusive relationship.
Australia-wide support
1800RESPECT — 1800 737 732
Australia's national domestic, family and sexual violence counselling and support service.
Available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
Provides confidential counselling, information, safety planning support and referrals to specialist services.
Website: https://www.1800respect.org.au
Kids Helpline — 1800 55 1800
Free, confidential counselling for children and young adults aged 5–25.
Available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
Website: https://kidshelpline.com.au
National Debt Helpline — 1800 007 007
Free financial counselling for people experiencing financial hardship, including financial abuse and debts created through controlling relationships.
Website: https://ndh.org.au
State and territory domestic violence services
Australian Capital Territory
Domestic Violence Crisis Service — (02) 6280 0900
24-hour crisis intervention, safety planning, advocacy and referrals.
Website: https://www.dvcs.org.au
New South Wales
NSW Domestic Violence Line — 1800 656 463
24-hour crisis counselling, safety planning, emergency accommodation referrals and support for women experiencing domestic violence.
Website: https://www.nsw.gov.au
Northern Territory
Dawn House (Darwin) — (08) 8945 1388
24-hour support and accommodation services for women with children experiencing domestic, family or sexual violence.
Catherine Booth House (Darwin) — (08) 8981 5928
24-hour crisis accommodation and referrals for adult and young women over 18.
For support elsewhere in the NT, 1800RESPECT can help identify local services.
Queensland
DVConnect Womensline — 1800 811 811
Available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
Specialist domestic and family violence support, including safety planning, crisis assistance, emergency accommodation, transport and referrals to local services.
Website: https://www.dvconnect.org
South Australia
Domestic Violence Crisis Line — 1800 800 098
24-hour counselling, crisis assistance, safety planning and emergency accommodation support for women experiencing domestic violence.
Tasmania
Safe at Home Family Violence Response and Referral Line — 1800 633 937
24-hour family violence response and referrals, including assistance accessing safety and support services.
Website: https://www.safeathome.tas.gov.au
Victoria
Safe Steps Family Violence Response Centre — 1800 015 188
24-hour specialist family violence support, risk assessment, safety planning, crisis response and emergency accommodation assistance.
Website: https://www.safesteps.org.au
Western Australia
Women's Domestic Violence Helpline — 1800 007 339
24-hour counselling, safety planning, information, referrals and assistance accessing emergency accommodation.
Website: https://www.wa.gov.au
What if you don't know whether it is abuse?
You can still contact a specialist service.
You do not need to have evidence of physical violence, make a police report or be certain that your relationship is abusive before asking questions.
You can explain what has been happening and request help understanding your options.
You can also ask whether someone can connect you with a local domestic and family violence worker for more personalised assistance.
Important safety information
If you believe your partner monitors your phone, messages, location or internet activity, consider contacting support from a safe device or location.
If you are frightened of your partner's reaction, avoid confronting them or announcing plans to leave without first considering your safety with a specialist service.
If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 000.
You deserve to feel safe, respected and free to make your own decisions.
One final thought
Perhaps the question we need to stop asking is:
"Why doesn't she just leave?"
Replacing it instead by asking:
"What has happened in this relationship that has made her feel she no longer has the freedom to choose?"
Because coercive control isn't simply about a difficult partner. It's about a pattern of behaviour that can gradually take away another person's independence, confidence and sense of safety.
Recognising that pattern can be an important beginning.
You deserve to make your own decisions.
You deserve to maintain your relationships.
You deserve to feel safe when you disagree.
AND you deserve a relationship where love doesn't come at the expense of your freedom.
Step outside and see the trap for what it is.
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