One of the signs of an abusive relationship is 'Coercive Control'
- Sam Seymour
- May 21
- 5 min read
Updated: 6 days ago
We hear the term a lot these days, but what is it, what does it look like, and how can we help anyone living it, their families, and anyone who loves them?
Coercive control isn’t always visible. There are no bruises to point to, no obvious explosions. Just a slow erosion of self, and often, the people around the victim don’t realise what’s happening until they barely recognise them.
This blog is your guide. Whether you are living in a coercive, controlling relationship or love someone who is, this is your lifeline back to clarity, connection, and safety.
What is coercive control?
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour used by one person to dominate and control another. It’s psychological abuse, often invisible to outsiders, but deeply damaging over time. It’s not about anger. It’s about power.
These behaviours chip away at the victim’s independence, confidence, and sense of reality, leaving them dependent and confused. In survival mode, that is hard to navigate with logic and clarity.
Common signs of coercive control in an abusive relationship:
Monitoring or controlling your movements, phone, or social media. Snap maps, Life 360 are all dream apps for the controlling person.
Telling you who you can and can't see: isolating you from friends and family.
Gaslighting: twisting events to make you question your memory or sanity.
Financial control: taking your money or making you justify every cent you spend.
Blaming you for their bad moods, jealousy, or abusive behaviour.
Making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells
Using threats or intimidation, even without physical violence.
Playing the victim: When you assert your needs or boundaries, the perpetrator of violence will take on the victim role, leaving you questioning everything.
“But they are not always like this…”
HOT RED ALERT: That’s the trap.
Abuse often follows a cycle:
Tension builds → Abuse happens → They are sorry and loving → You feel hopeful → Repeat.
It’s designed to be confusing. Some days they are affectionate, say they need you, and promise to change. Other days, they tear you down or make you feel small.
If you're constantly questioning yourself, walking on eggshells, or hiding parts of your life, please understand that something is wrong; very wrong.
A note for young women: If you're wondering, “Is this normal?”
If you're aged 16–25, you’re in the highest-risk group to fall into an abusive relationship and to be in the thick of coercive control. You might feel like you’re in love. Like you’re the only one who really “gets” them. Like you can fix them. But there are signs that show you may be in an abusive relationship: red flags
But here’s what love should never feel like:
You're afraid of their reaction when you speak up
You second-guess your outfit, makeup, or who you text
You feel worse about yourself the longer you’re with them
You’re cut off from friends and family
You’ve been made to feel responsible for their anger or moods
Real love doesn’t control. Real love doesn’t make you smaller.
If you're reading this and wondering if this all relates to you, trust your gut. It's wiser than you think.
What to do if you’re in an abusive relationship
You don’t have to be ready to leave to start getting support.
Here’s what you can do:
📞 Call 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) — 24/7 free, confidential support
📝 Create a safety plan, pack essentials, documents, and a list of who to call
🔐 Set up a code word with someone you trust in case you need help quickly
📲 Use technology safely, consider a second email or second phone that your partner doesn’t know about
👂🏽 Talk to a counsellor not just for “fixing” things, but to reconnect with your power
Download the Daisy App Daisy app | 1800RESPECT
Most importantly, you don’t need “proof” of anything to deserve or connect with support. You don’t need to explain yourself, and you don’t have to wait until it gets worse.
For friends & family: How to help anyone who finds themselves in an abusive relationship without pushing them away
It’s brutal to watch someone you love disappear into a toxic relationship. You might feel powerless. But you’re not.
What helps:
✅ Stay in contact, even if they push you away
✅ Listen without judgment when they open up
✅ Avoid saying, “Just leave him”, it can cause more shame
✅ Create a code word so they can ask for help discreetly
✅ Let them know you believe them, even if they downplay it later
✅ Don't get angry with them
What hurts:
❌ Ultimatums: “It’s him or us.”
❌ Minimising: “It doesn’t sound that bad.”
❌ Frustration: “You chose this.”
Stay connected. Stay calm. You may be the only steady voice in the storm.
How to prevent isolation
Isolation is a key weapon in coercive control. It’s how they keep victims dependent and confused.
Ways to stay connected, even in small ways:
Send memes, songs, or “just thinking of you” texts
Share your location with a trusted friend/family member
Plan regular catch-ups (even a 10-minute call counts)
Keep your own finances and ID documents secure
If you’re working or studying, try to keep that connection
If you’re a friend or parent, keep showing up. Keep the door open. Even if they pull away, know that your presence is being felt and remembered. This is where that safe place to fall comes into it, be that safe place.
📞 Australia-Based Support Services
1800RESPECT (24/7 counselling & DV support): 1800 737 732
Lifeline (Crisis line): 13 11 14
DVConnect: 1800 811 811
Kids Helpline (for under 25s): 1800 55 1800
Women’s Legal Service: 1800 682 468
You can also talk to a counsellor through schools, universities, Headspace, or your GP.
Final words: This is not your fault — this is not the end
If you're stuck in a relationship that makes you feel afraid, controlled, or unsure of who you are anymore, it's not because you're weak. It's because someone made it their mission to break your spirit. They are good at what they do, seasoned in getting what they want; it works for them.
Your fire is not out.
You are not alone.
There is a way out. Thousands of women have taken those first shaky steps toward freedom. And you can too.
When you're ready, you can find the right support to help you move forward and become everything you were meant to be in this life.
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