DARVO: When the person who hurt you becomes the victim

Have you ever raised something that hurt you, only to find yourself apologising for bringing it up?

Perhaps you wanted to talk to your partner about something they said or did.

You wanted an explanation, some accountability, or simply an acknowledgement that their behaviour had hurt you.

But instead, the conversation took an unexpected turn.

They denied what happened, almost at lightning speed.

They became angry with you.

They accused you of being unfair, cruel, or abusive.

Somehow, by the end of the conversation, you were comforting them.

What happened?

One possible explanation is a pattern of behaviour known as DARVO.

What is DARVO?

DARVO stands for:

D — Deny

A — Attack

RVO — Reverse Victim to Offender

The term was developed by psychologist Jennifer Freyd to describe a response sometimes used by people accused of wrongdoing.

It involves denying the behaviour, attacking the person raising the concern, and reversing the roles so that the person being confronted presents themselves as the victim.

The result can be extraordinary confusion, and that is why it works.

You started the conversation wanting to discuss something hurtful that happened to you.

You finish wondering whether you were wrong to say anything at all.

My experience of DARVO was not only when I wanted to talk about the hard things but when I brought up literally anything; the response was to default to DARVO. I started to look into it when a conversation about our future goals ended up in an attack, him storming out and me questioning everything. The pattern in my relationship was pervasive.

1. Deny: "That never happened"

The first part involves denying or minimising the behaviour.

Perhaps your partner insists they never said something you clearly remember.

They might tell you that you misunderstood, exaggerated, or imagined the incident.

Sometimes they acknowledge that something happened but minimise its significance.

"It was only a joke."

"You're making a big deal out of nothing."

The important issue isn't whether two people remember every detail identically.

It's whether there is a repeated pattern of refusing accountability for harmful behaviour.

2. Attack: "You're the problem"

The conversation then moves away from the original concern.

Instead of discussing what happened, your character, motives, or emotional reactions become the focus.

You might be accused of being unstable, controlling, selfish, or deliberately hurtful.

You may find yourself trying desperately to defend your intentions.

The more you defend yourself, the further the conversation moves away from the issue you originally raised. Like a good magician, the smoke and mirrors worked, and we are now talking about something else, and the original issue has left the building.

3. Reverse Victim and Offender: "Look what you've done to me"

This is where things can become particularly confusing.

The person you confronted now presents themselves as the injured party.

They may insist that your questioning was cruel or abusive.

They might say you have damaged their confidence, ruined their day, or deliberately attacked them.

You may feel pressured to apologise or reassure them. Just like that, the original hurtful behaviour is no longer being discussed.

Why DARVO can be so damaging

Repeated experiences of blame-shifting can undermine your confidence.

• You may begin rehearsing conversations before raising concerns.

• You might avoid difficult discussions because you know how they will end.

• You may find yourself accepting responsibility for problems that are not entirely yours.

  
  

Eventually, silence may feel easier than another argument. This is certainly how I felt. I mean, why would you bring anything up if it is going to end in fighting and trying to justify yourself?

This is where an unhealthy relationship can become increasingly difficult to navigate.

You lose the ability to raise concerns without fearing the consequences.

Remember, for a lot of those who use these abusive and toxic behaviours, they are trying to avoid accountability.

Is every defensive reaction DARVO?

No.

People sometimes become defensive when confronted, particularly when they feel embarrassed, frightened, or misunderstood.

A disagreement, an inaccurate memory or a defensive response does not automatically establish DARVO or prove the original allegation.

What matters is the wider pattern and the effect of repeated responses.

Can concerns be discussed honestly?

Is there room for accountability?

Can both people acknowledge their own behaviour?

Or is responsibility consistently redirected onto the person raising the concern?

How can you respond?

If you recognise this pattern, consider stepping away from the need to convince the other person that your experience is valid.

You can acknowledge your emotions without accepting responsibility for someone else's actions. It may also help to explore these interactions with a trusted professional who can offer an independent perspective.

If the relationship involves intimidation, threats, or coercive control, prioritise safety rather than confrontation.

You do not have to win an argument to recognise that something is wrong.

As I always say, get really good at recognising these patterns and behaviours. To do that, we must step outside of the dynamic and see it for what it is. Become subjective and curious, and we will find that things become a lot clearer. It is not only about looking at these behaviours but also looking at how we are responding and how our responses are part of the dynamic. There will be a clear pattern, I can promise you that.

A question worth considering

"When I raise something that hurts me, does the conversation lead towards understanding and accountability, or does it consistently end with me defending myself?"

That distinction can tell us a great deal about the emotional safety of a relationship.

Perhaps the beginning isn't about convincing someone else of what happened. Perhaps it begins with recognising the pattern for yourself. I advocate that empowerment comes with understanding ourselves and our own 'why', because when we know that we can change our approaches to life.

Step outside and see the trap for what it is.

If you are experiencing emotional abuse, intimidation or coercive control, confidential support is available Australia-wide through 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, 24 hours a day.

Website: https://www.1800respect.org.au

For immediate danger, call 000.