Understanding why we end up in toxic relationships
Updated: Sep 13
Understanding Toxic Relationships: You Are Not Alone
Relationships Tend Not to Start as Toxic
Let’s get one thing straight: no one signs up for a toxic relationship. Why do we need to clarify this? Because this is not about shame, blame, or guilt. Those feelings are NOT helpful, so let's leave them at the door. Instead, let’s gather real information and become aware of how and why these relationships exist and why they continue long after they should have ended.
These types of relationships don’t begin with red flags waving wildly in the air. They start with connection, chemistry, and a longing for love. You may feel seen for the first time, and sometimes there’s relief in thinking, finally, there is someone who gets me.
That’s what makes it so confusing when things start to shift. By the time the unhealthy patterns emerge, you’re already emotionally invested. It’s a slow erosion of your sense of self, efficacy, and worth.
The Familiarity Trap
One of the biggest reasons we end up in toxic relationships is familiarity. Not familiarity with the person, but familiarity with the feeling. This is crucial to know when we are trying to understand toxic relationships. If you grew up:
Walking on eggshells
Trying to keep the peace
Being the “good one”
Feeling unseen, dismissed, or responsible for others
Then your nervous system learned something important very early on: Love = effort, uncertainty, and emotional work.
So when you meet someone who activates that same emotional environment, it doesn’t feel wrong. It feels… familiar, and familiarity often gets mistaken for right.
The Rescuer Role
If you’ve spent your life being the one who:
Helps
Fixes
Understands
Gives “just one more chance”
Then toxic relationships can hook you in hard. I know this because I am one of those people. These types of relationships give you a role you already know how to play. You see potential, and importantly, you see pain in the other person. You believe if you love them enough, understand them enough, and stay long enough… things will change.
But here’s the truth most people don’t want to hear: You are not in a relationship with their potential. You are in a relationship with their patterns and, of course, your own patterns. Patterns don’t change without accountability and a lot of commitment to change, and you can’t do that work for someone else.
Trauma Bonding: Why It Feels So Hard to Leave
What is Trauma Bonding?
Trauma bonding is the emotional attachment that forms through cycles of:
Intense connection
Hurt or withdrawal
Repair (or temporary relief)
It creates a powerful loop. This cycle isn’t just psychological; it’s chemical. The brain starts to associate:
Pain → relief
Disconnection → reconnection
Anxiety → closeness
So when things are “good,” they feel really good. When they’re bad, you hold on, waiting for that next moment of relief. That’s not love. That’s a nervous system hooked on the relief of pain.
Intermittent Reinforcement: The Pokie Machine Effect
Toxic relationships often operate on inconsistency. You don’t know which version of the person you’re going to get:
The loving one
The distant one
The critical one
The apologetic one
That unpredictability is what keeps you hooked while throwing you off balance. It’s the same mechanism that makes gambling addictive. You stay because:
“Maybe this time it will be different”
“I saw how good it can be”
But we need to be very clear here: it is the inconsistency that cements the pattern.
The Slow Erosion of Self
Toxic relationships don’t usually break you overnight. If you met someone at a bar or club and they started to tear you down, say derogatory things about you, or tell you how awful you are, you would leave immediately. That would shock your system. But toxic relationships are a slow erosion that wears you down over time:
You start second-guessing yourself.
You question your reactions.
You feel like you’re “too much” or “not enough.”
You lose clarity about what’s actually happening.
This is why isolation is crucial for anyone who displays toxic abusive patterns. The less you have access to people who give you another view—people who will question what you are saying about yourself, and people who know the real you—the more you rely on the one source that is breaking you.
Eventually, you’re not sure where you end and the relationship begins.
Why Leaving Feels So Hard
People often ask, “Why didn’t you just leave?” Here’s the reality:
You’re emotionally attached.
You remember the good times.
You’ve invested time, energy, and hope.
You’re trying to make sense of the confusion.
Your nervous system is literally addicted to the cycle.
Leaving isn’t just walking away from a person. It’s withdrawing from a pattern your system has learned to rely on. That makes it very difficult, but not impossible, to do.
The Turning Point: Awareness
The moment things begin to shift is not when the other person changes. It’s when you see the pattern clearly. When you can say:
“This isn’t love; this is a cycle.”
“I’m not confused; I’m being conditioned.”
“This feels familiar because it is familiar.”
That’s where your power comes back online. You can't unsee what you have seen.
What Actually Helps You Break the Cycle
This isn’t about willpower. It’s about awareness and action. Here are some starting points:
Name the pattern (not the excuses).
Separate potential from reality.
Interrupt the cycle (distance, boundaries, no contact if needed).
Regulate your nervous system (this is huge).
Get support—because doing this alone is incredibly hard.
Most importantly: Start choosing what is healthy, not what is familiar.
Final Thoughts
You didn’t end up in a toxic relationship because there’s something wrong with you. You ended up there because:
Your past shaped what felt normal.
Your strengths (empathy, loyalty, resilience) were overused.
Your nervous system learned patterns that once helped you survive.
But those patterns are not your future. They’re just something you’re now aware of. Remember, with all knowledge and awareness—once you see it, you can’t unsee it.
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