Are you in a Toxic or Abusive Relationship? Five questions to ask yourself
Sometimes we're so busy surviving a relationship that we don't see what's actually happening inside it.
When we're in a relationship that causes us emotional pain, we often become focused on the next argument, the next disagreement, or trying to get things back to how they were. This is what I call the tornado or cyclone of the relationship, where we can become so caught up in managing the relationship that we stop looking at the bigger picture.
We might know that something isn't right. We might feel anxious, confused, unhappy, or exhausted. But recognising that a relationship is unhealthy, toxic or even abusive isn't always straightforward.
Particularly when there are also moments of love, affection, laughter and happiness.
Today, I want to invite you to do something a little different.
We're going on a fact-finding mission to see if you are in a toxic or abusive relationship.
I'm not asking you to leave your relationship. I'm not asking you to make any decisions today.
I simply want you to start asking yourself some questions and perhaps begin looking at your relationship from a different perspective.
Five questions to ask yourself about your relationship
1. Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells?
Do you carefully choose your words or change your behaviour because you're worried about how your partner might react?
Perhaps you avoid bringing up certain subjects because you know they will lead to an argument.
You may find yourself constantly monitoring your partner's mood or trying to keep the peace.
Ask yourself: How much of my day is spent managing someone else's emotions?
2. Do you find yourself questioning your own reality?
Do you leave conversations feeling confused?
Perhaps you remember an event one way, but your partner insists it happened differently.
You might find yourself apologising when you weren't initially sure you had done anything wrong.
Or perhaps you've started asking yourself whether you're too sensitive, too emotional or overreacting.
Ask yourself: Do I trust my own thoughts, feelings and experiences as much as I used to?
3. Are your needs, feelings and boundaries respected?
Can you express your feelings without being dismissed, ridiculed or blamed?
Can you say no without worrying about the consequences?
In a healthy relationship, both people should have the freedom to express themselves, disagree and maintain their individuality.
It doesn't mean there will never be conflict. It means conflict doesn't need to involve intimidation, punishment, humiliation or fear.
Ask yourself: Am I allowed to have needs that are different from my partner's?
4. Have you started losing parts of yourself?
Think about who you were before this relationship.
Are you still connected to your friends, family, interests, and the things that bring you happiness?
Or have you gradually started making your world smaller?
Perhaps you've stopped seeing certain people because your partner doesn't like them.
Maybe you've given up activities you once enjoyed or stopped doing things simply because they create conflict.
Ask yourself: Am I becoming more myself in this relationship, or less?
5. Does the person causing your pain also become the person who takes it away?
This is an important question.
Perhaps your partner says or does something that leaves you hurt, anxious or distressed.
Then, after some time, they become loving and affectionate again.
They might apologise, promise things will change, or remind you of the wonderful relationship you once had. Suddenly you feel better.
The person who caused the pain has also become the person who provides relief from it.
When this happens repeatedly, those moments of affection and reassurance can become incredibly powerful.
Ask yourself: Am I feeling happy because the relationship is healthy, or relieved because the conflict has temporarily stopped?
These questions aren't a diagnostic test. Not every unhealthy relationship is abusive, and no single answer tells the whole story. However, repeated patterns of control, intimidation, threats, and fear deserve to be taken seriously.
Understanding your hook: What keeps you in the relationship if indeed it is toxic, abusive or unhealthy?
Now I want to explore something else.
What is your hook?
What is it about this relationship that makes it difficult to imagine your life without it?
This is where things can become interesting, because sometimes the reason we remain in a relationship isn't simply about how much we love the other person. Sometimes the relationship is meeting a need that feels incredibly important.
That need might be financial security, companionship, affection, stability, feeling protected or simply not being alone. For some people, it might be the hope of having the family they always wanted. For others, it might be the dream of finally being loved, accepted or understood.
Sometimes these needs go back a long way. Our earlier experiences can shape what feels familiar, what we seek in relationships and what we fear losing.
But we don't necessarily need to go digging through every experience from our childhood to begin understanding ourselves.
We can start with what is happening today.
Ask yourself:
What does this relationship give me that I am most afraid of losing?
There are also very real practical and safety considerations. Financial dependence, housing, children, disability, threats and fear of a partner's reaction can make leaving extremely difficult or dangerous.
Understanding your hook is not about blaming yourself for staying. Nobody is responsible for their partner's abusive behaviour.
It's about understanding the circumstances, fears and needs that may be influencing your choices.
The Biggest Question: What are you most afraid of?
I want you to imagine something.
Imagine that you are no longer in this relationship. You don't have to imagine how it happened or what you would need to do.
Just imagine your life without this person.
What is the biggest fear that comes up for you?
Is it loneliness?
Is it having to support yourself financially?
Is it the thought of starting again?
Perhaps you're worried about your children or losing your home. Maybe you're frightened of what your partner might do if you leave. Or perhaps the biggest fear is that nobody else will ever love you.
Whatever comes up, I want you to notice it without judging yourself.
Because that fear may tell you something important about what is keeping you in the relationship.
It doesn't mean the fear is irrational. Some fears reflect very real risks that deserve practical support and careful safety planning.
Are you in love with the relationship you have, or the one you're hoping for?
Here's another question worth exploring.
When you think about your relationship, are you looking at what it is today, or what you believe it could become?
Perhaps you're remembering the early days when everything felt wonderful.
Maybe you're holding on to promises about the future.
You might be thinking about all the things your partner has said they will change.
And of course, there's hope. Hope can be a wonderful thing. But sometimes hope keeps us focused on a future that never quite arrives. I will talk about this soon, as it is part of a pattern of future faking, a very hard aspect of these types of relationships. Hope is a big hook.
We can spend so much time thinking about who someone could be that we stop seeing who they are consistently showing us they are.
That doesn't mean people can't change. It means meaningful change must be demonstrated through behaviour, not simply promised in words. Words are cheap and easy.
Look at the pattern, not just the promise.
This is a fact-finding mission, not a decision-making exercise
I want to make something very clear.
You don't have to make a decision about your relationship today. You don't have to confront your partner with what you've discovered. In fact, I advocate that you don't because you certainly don't need to explain or justify your feelings to anyone.
For now, I want you to become curious.
Notice how you feel before, during, and after interactions with your partner.
Notice the things you find yourself avoiding.
Notice when you feel anxious, when you feel relieved, and when you genuinely feel happy.
Look for patterns rather than focusing on isolated moments. When we begin to recognise patterns, we can start naming behaviours for what they are. When we can see what's happening, we can begin to explore our choices with greater clarity.
If you are experiencing coercive control or abuse, prioritise your safety. Reflection is not a substitute for professional support or a personalised safety plan.
Your free relationship reflection worksheet
I've created a simple worksheet to help you explore these questions in your own time.
It includes the five relationship questions, space to consider your hook, and an opportunity to reflect on your biggest fear about no longer being in the relationship.
There are no right or wrong answers, and you don't have to share them with anyone.
Please only download, save, or print this worksheet if it is safe for you to do so. If your partner monitors your phone, computer or online activity, consider accessing information using a safer device.
A final thought
Sometimes the hardest part of understanding an unhealthy or abusive relationship is being able to see it clearly while we're still living inside it.
We become caught up in the arguments, the apologies, the promises, the hope and the fear.
Slowly, the bigger picture gets lost.
My hope is that these questions will help you begin to see that bigger picture.
Not so you can judge yourself for the choices you've made, but so you can better understand your experiences and begin to recognise what you need.
Because awareness is where change can begin.
Step outside and see the trap for what it is.
Samantha Seymour Counsellor & Psychotherapist
Support: If you are experiencing domestic or family violence in Australia, 1800RESPECT provides support, information and counselling 24 hours a day on 1800 737 732, by text on 0458 737 732, or through 1800respect.org.au. If you are in immediate danger, call 000.
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