Grief, Change, and the Emotions We Would Rather Not Feel
- Sam Seymour
- Jun 14
- 3 min read
By Samantha Seymour | New Start Counselling and Psychotherapy
We don’t talk much about grief unless someone has died. But grief is far more common than that. It shows up in many corners of our lives, in diagnosis, in loss of identity, in change we didn't ask for.
When I was diagnosed with MS in 2020, grief was the first thing that showed up, alongside fear, panic, and despair. I grieved me. The version of me who walked freely, who had a “safe” future ahead. I grieved the life I thought I’d have. That loss was instant. But it was real.
The Grief of Change
We don’t usually think of change as something to grieve. But for many women I work with, it is.
Some grieve the long, slow goodbye of a partner with dementia, shifting from lover to carer. Some grieve when their children leave home, wondering Who am I now? Others, like me, grieve after a diagnosis that changes everything in a millisecond. No warning. No preparation.
Grief isn’t always about death. But it is always about change. No matter the why of grief, the pain is the same.
The STAR Method: My way through the grief and emotions of change
Through both my healing and my work as a Counsellor, I developed what I now call the STAR Method, a way of understanding and moving through grief, change and emotions
gently, one step at a time.
Here it is in all its glory:
🌟 S — Sit in the Mud
Grief is messy. It doesn’t follow a timeline or respond to “positive vibes only.”
For me I sat in it for 6–9 months. Fully. I didn’t rush it. I let it be what it was. It was personal, and for everyone who is going through it, there are no rules.
My daughter once said to me, “You were so sad for so long, and now you seem okay.”She was right. One day, I got up and said: Okay. That’s enough. I need to move forward now.
But I couldn’t do that until I’d let grief do what it needed to do. In a way, I needed to become bored with the grief, that is the moment where it changes.
🌟 T — Think the Thoughts
Even now, I have moments of Woe is me. Solution: I let myself go there, without shame.
But here’s the exact key: I don’t attach to the thought.
I acknowledge it, “Oh, that’s the ‘It’s not fair’ thought.” And then I let it pass. I watch it pass, and that can include crying and letting my body do what it needs to do to process that pain.
This approach is grounded in ACT therapy; it’s about letting thoughts come without spiralling with them. No waterskiing (my quirky term) with those thoughts, no adding layers of woe that aren't needed, no more punishing myself by fighting that thought.
Just noticing - naming - letting the thought just be present.
🌟 A & R — Acceptance and Reinvention
These come later. Quietly. With time. But they are the path forward.
Acceptance isn’t giving up. It’s saying: This is where I am. Now what can I do with it?
Reinvention is what I live for now. It’s the part where you start to Rebuild, Reclaim, Reimagine.
Moving forward doesn’t mean forgetting
There’s no right way to grieve. But if you feel stuck in the mud, unable to move, you’re not broken. You might just need a gentle nudge.
That’s the work I do. I support women who are grieving the life they thought they’d have. Whether that’s because of MS, chronic illness, identity loss, or something else entirely, grief is grief.
You don’t have to carry it alone.
💛 Want to explore the STAR method for yourself?
I offer Counselling, Psychotherapy and Psychosocial Recovery Coaching for women 16+ navigating diagnosis, life changes, trauma, or invisible illness. Sessions are available online or in person from Seaton, SA. NDIS participants welcome.
📞 0402 055 752
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